February 15th, 2006
The Pathology report determined that 5 of the 18 lymph nodes removed were cancerous. Since some of them were in the outer layer, I had stage 3 stomach cancer. This put me in a “high risk” category so aggressive chemo and radiation therapy is needed. Of course, we were hoping they wouldn’t be in the lymph nodes, but God knew me too well. I probably would’ve just returned to my old ways and not have lived each day like it was a blessing.
Psalm 90:12 “Teach us to number our days aright so we may obtain a heart of wisdom.”
Psalm 90:12 gave both Anne and me much comfort. In our hearts, we wanted some certainty that the cancer would never come back or that the chemo would be successful, but we were never going to get this. Christ wanted us to walk by faith and not by sight. God never promised a life of certainty, no matter how hard we tried, but he did promise us peace if we place our trust in him. And that was all we needed.
Numbering Our Days
I was so humbled by the phrase “God knew me too well.” Some lessons to be learned are greater than life itself. In my Dad’s case, it is the lesson of “living each day like it is a blessing.” Living two years with stage 3 cancer really must have made him question every day whether it would be his last. No matter how much physical pain he experienced, it had no meaning to him in comparison to the blessings he was made aware of around him. This reminds me of what he wrote in a previous entry: “A part of me thought this was the last time I would see [my family], but this didn’t matter. I just wanted to be with them.”
How different would my life be if I lived with this kind of intentionality? Maybe I would be less self-absorbed. Maybe I’d have more intention behind every conversation I have. Maybe I would store my treasures above rather than on Earth. Why do I keep holding onto certain parts of my life when I could be sitting on the judgment seat of Christ tomorrow?
“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” (Philippians 3:7)
Where do my Treasures Lie?
Philippians 3:7 makes me reflect on where my heart is currently set. If I were to look at myself from the outside, do I see someone chasing after God’s heart? Is my hope in God alone? I’m honestly not too sure. I’m currently very comfortable in my current state in life, and there’s a lot of pride that I’m holding onto.
But let’s say I lost my job, got kicked out of school, and was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Would I still delight in the Lord? How shaken would my faith be, and would I count all my losses as meaningless? Would I believe it’s all worth it if I gain Christ in the end? Well, to be honest, God is probably still chasing after my heart. I’m still so weak in my flesh, and my innate sinful desires cause me to set my mind and heart on worldly treasures.
I Can’t Stop Sinning
I would oftentimes beat myself up over periods where my heart is set elsewhere. My innate instinct is to hold onto my pride and set my desires on my own personal success. I remember feeling very frustrated during Georgia missions when I would lean on my own strength before asking God for strength. But amidst my frustration, I felt very encouraged after reading Romans 7 and 8 in sequence. Paul puts it perfectly when he says:
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” (Romans 7:15)
And in Romans 8 says:
Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26)
Paul first admits his frustrations as he can’t stop sinning against God. But he then acknowledges that the Spirit is the one who can help him in his weakness. After reading Romans 7-8, I began to acknowledge that I couldn’t stop sinning on my own willpower. We can’t possibly follow God without asking the Holy Spirit for help. And in my Dad’s case, God placed him in a position in which he couldn’t possibly rely on anyone but God.
“Being cured of this cancer no longer mattered. I was in the center of his will, and I no longer needed to know the outcome. Being cured was not what it was all about. Being near God was everything.“
Living in Certainty
“Christ wanted us to walk by faith and not by sight.” I’d say I’m quite the planner, and I tend to stress over future decisions. Especially since I’m entering my final year of college, life is SERIOUSLY HITTING ME. The most humbling lesson I learned was that “God never promised a life of certainty.” I remember sitting down at my desk for hours before freshman year, planning every single month of my first year—what clubs I would join, how much time I would set for homework, meals, what jobs I would apply to, and God knows what else. I just remember, during my first week of college, watching all of my plans come crashing down over me. Life always plays out differently than it does in my head. Yet, I still try to plan for it. I could just imagine God watching me from below, shaking his head.
This goes back to my first point—how can I possibly live each day intentionally if my mind and heart are not even in the present? You’re talking to me about how your day was, but I’m thinking about what next week will look like. Again, “God never promised a life of certainty.” When my Dad passed, I’m sure my Mom couldn’t help but worry about what the future would hold. The Lord took him way too soon. As my Mom was driving me back home from my first week in Connecticut, I was asking her a lot of questions about how she and Dad met and what life was like back then. I remember her saying how much his passing strengthened her faith. In the end, his loss was a gain for her, as it taught her how to fully surrender her certainty to God. 100% of the time, He will provide us with our basic needs as long as we seek Him first. He promises us “peace if we place our trust in him.“
Let’s delight in the Lord alone and count everything else as a loss compared to the blessings we encounter from setting our hearts on the things above.
Lord, I pray that you would teach us to number our days. Show us the fruit that comes from setting our hearts on the treasures that lie above rather than on earth. Holy Spirit, make us sensitive to your presence. Help us be more intentional in all that we do.