February 11th, 2006
Surgery to remove my stomach was scheduled for early this morning. The night before I was reading through the book of Joel. I remembered why we named our second son after chapter 2 where we believed he would be a man who would speak God’s word like the prophet to “Return to the Lord your God”. God then gave me Joel 2:26 “You will have plenty to eat, until you are full and you will praise the name of the Lord your God”. I shared this verse to Anne and I think we both knew what God had in store for me in surgery.
After some prep, they brought me into the surgical room. It was really, really cold. They laid me flat on the table with my arms left out – almost like a cross. Almost as if I was going to be crucified and die to myself- my old ways. As I started to go to sleep, I remember thinking the next time I wake up I’ll either see white glowing light in heaven or be back here with Anne. When I woke up, I saw complete darkness and then wondered where I was. Then I felt the sharpest pain in my stomach that I had ever felt in my life. I then knew I was still here. I thanked God in my excruciating pain. A song from Delirious came to my mind “Thank you for the chance to live again, I will run only for You.”
The rest of the day was a blur but I remember finally awakening to my wife’s beautiful face. I told her that I was back and now I know what I need to do. My life became very selfish. God was always there but it seemed like I didn’t always live nor act like He was there. The surgery was successful both in my stomach and in the work in my heart. They removed all of the cancer from my stomach which was pretty much my entire stomach. All we had to wait for was the pathology.
Thoughts:
“You Will Have Plenty to Eat”
Something that has been frustrating lately is the idea of always turning back to my worldly ways and desires when “I don’t need God in this season.” There are periods of my life in which I feel faithful, lean, and turn to God amidst my struggles. However, there are other periods when I feel like I’m fine on my own and can conquer life on my own strength. Although my Dad’s entries show how willing he was to lean on God’s provision, that isn’t the full picture. There were sleepless nights, moments of trembling fear, and bitterness. There were so many moments when he wanted God to heal him so he could be with those he loved and not have to abandon his family. It’s always our innate desire as sinful people to turn back to our own strength.
When facing this surgery, he didn’t even know if he was going to wake up ever again. I’m re-reading the verse Joel 2:26 over and over again, but every time I read it, I feel something different. This verse was during the locust plague, and the Prophet Joel was urging the people of Judah to return to repentance and promises that God will restore what has been lost if they return to Him.
“You will have plenty to eat, until you are full and you will praise the name of the Lord your God.” (Joel 2:26)
God’s Provision
So, when my Dad began to have full certainty of “what God had in store for [him] in surgery,” I believe that didn’t mean certainty of life. It was the certainty that God’s provision is bountiful as long as he clings onto His arms. When my Dad said “the next time I wake up I’ll either see white glowing light in heaven or be back here with Anne,” I witnessed the heart of surrender my Dad developed. It took being on the brink of death to have that heart. Whether he lived or died, it clearly didn’t matter to him. Where God is waiting, my Dad trusted and went.
JP in Welcome to Adulting talks about how “As Christians, we say that we trust God and believe in his promises. However, our actions sometimes show otherwise. We do things that God clearly says are bad for us, or fail to do things that he asks us to do. This doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t believe in or trust God, but it does show we’re not believing him in that moment or trusting him in that area of our lives.”
Steadfast Faith
This makes me think about the way I am currently living. I become so reliant on God when I’m in a state where I can’t do anything for myself. Sure, I’m thankful that I’m even able to lean on God in those times, but I wish I could live that out no matter the circumstances. I recently sliced my finger deeply and badly sprained my ankle in the same period of time, and I felt so helpless as I was unable to properly function for a few weeks. I even fell down my entire staircase haha… It took being in this state for me to submit to God, which is a blessing, but it also displayed how reliant I currently am on my own strength. No matter whether I am feeling strong or weak in the flesh, I just pray that I stand firm in knowing that I am always weak in my heart. My heart is in constant need of “spiritual surgery.” I want to have the heart to pray for the little things in life just as much as the big things. I long for the heart to abide by the will of the one who is in full control.
But you know what. The struggles I am currently facing are how God is changing my heart. Every struggle is a chance to grow my heart. God, put my heart to the test. Lord, I saw how you changed my Dad’s heart. Do the same for me.
“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things to want to do.” – Galatians 5:16-17