February 9th, 2006
The doctor woke me up early around 1am with some bad news. The biopsy was malignant. After the doctor left, I completely broke down and wailed for about 15 minutes pleading to God that I don’t want to die and widow my pregnant wife and orphan my boys. Also pleading that He wasn’t finished with me yet and that there was so much more I wanted to do. What would they do without me? I told Him, “Lord, of course I want to be with you in eternity but what about my family?” I couldn’t believe I was saying this, after all, aren’t we supposed to long for heaven as God’s children. This really became a struggle in my heart and I found myself wrestling through the night with God about this.
The day was filled with weeping alongside some of my family. I wish I could say that I was at peace and totally surrendered to God’s will but I wasn’t. Is it wrong to not want to die? I just couldn’t stand the thought of leaving my wife after 5 years and my boys and what about the baby on the way. It just totally crushed me thinking I would never see them grow up.
Rick from Christ Community came by and it was really good to see him. He read from psalm 33 urging us to wait in hope for the Lord, He is our help and shield, our hearts will rejoice and we will trust in his holy name. Psalm 33:22 “May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” We never knew we needed this verse in this way. Thank you, God.
Thoughts:
Something I’ve come to realize is that our time on earth isn’t really up to us—but we often live as if we’re in control. Who says we’ll be here tomorrow, next week, or next month? The cliché phrase, “Live every day as if it’s your last,” never truly resonated with me. But lately, it’s started to mean more. And it’s part of the reason why I started this blog.
Blogging is something I’ve tried to do before but always gave up on—mostly because I told myself I didn’t have enough time. But as I thought more about it, I was reminded of how impactful my dad’s blog was to my own faith journey.
He used to worry about who would raise us in the faith if he couldn’t. And yet, through his writing, he still did. The truth is, many of my memories of him are faint. However, I discovered who he really was through his words. His struggles were so raw, distilled, and displayed the posture of worship we’re called to have as we’re knocked down time after time. I discovered who he truly was through those words: a man wrestling with hardship yet choosing to worship.
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. -James 4:13–14
