Most of my family came to visit me and I couldn’t stop crying. The promise I was clinging to was romans 8:28 that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. God was really doing a work in my heart. I thought it was just my stomach that needed to be worked on but my heart needed spiritual surgery as well. You see, I’m a very proud man. In my lips I say everything that a Christian should humbly say but deep, deep within my heart, I question my motives at times. For years, I’ve trusted in my “horses and chariots,” my skills, my talents, my abilities, my strengths. I’ve always been known to be a helpful person and I loved being the hero in times of need. It was almost as if Christ’s work on the cross was not sufficient for my salvation. I had to add my strength to his cross. Although I’d never admit this, I realized I actually believed this in my heart. Now God had me, right where he wanted me. A palace where I can do nothing but totally surrender to his power and His will.
February 10th, 2006
Cancer and dying was something I’ve always feared. Every time, I hear of someone dying and leaving a mother with children behind breaks my heart – especially when I think about it possibly happening to me. Well the Lord is bringing to light the things I need to learn and it’s only because of his great love. Think about it, would you really want to live in the heat of death? It’s easy to reject and most of us quickly denounce this but it’s hard to really believe this. I’m now seeing God’s purposes and sense His great love for me. He, indeed, disciplines those he loves.
I saw my boys that day for the first time since last Sunday. A part of me thought this was the last time I would see them but this didn’t matter. I just wanted to be with them. Anne’s been so good and strong with the boys. Joel is too young and just as happy with life as ever before. But my older son Nathan knew that Dad was sick and in the hospital. I wish I could’ve held them forever.
I found myself worshipping that evening through a wonderful medley by Third Day – “Give/Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus/ With or Without You/Your Love Oh Lord. It was just the perfect order and progression I needed to surrender to Jesus. The words in Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus “and the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace” so “you give yourself away, you give yourself away, and you give yourself away” and finally some incredible words of exalting Jesus – “Your love Oh Lord reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness stretches to the sky, Your righteousness is like the mighty mounts, Your justice flows like the ocean’s tide. I will lift my voice to worship you my king. I will find my strength in the shadow of your wings.”
That was the moment I finally gave this to God. Where I totally surrendered to his will. Being cured of this cancer no longer mattered. I was in the center of his will and I no longer needed to know the outcome. Being cured was not what it was all about. Being near God was everything.
Thoughts:
This entry reminds me of Paul’s complete surrender of outcomes as he suffered imprisonment, beatings, and was on the brink of death. He reached a place where being healed was no longer the point. Being near to God was. When my Dad wrote “Being cured was not what it was as all about. Being near God was everything,” I thought about what Paul said in Philippians 1:21:
“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”
In the book Welcome to Adulting by Jonathan Pokluda, he mentions that Paul “knew that any day in heaven is better than any day spent on earth, and so the end of this life was actually something to look forward to. But God still had work for Paul to do on earth, and people for him to minister to, so Paul would keep working until God decided to call him home. That’s the same position we find ourselves in today. We have work to do here on earth, but it’s all just a prologue before God calls us home.”
I’m beginning to see that the most powerful testimony isn’t a miraculous healing. There’s just something so powerful about seeing a person’s soul remaining fixated in a posture of worship, even when the healing never comes. Christ truly is enough, and I aspire to have that same mindset.
Although your body was never cured, your heart was. In the end, you drew nearer to God. What more could we hope for?
